Posterior Dei

It’s the second wettest winter in Portland in 75 years. 45.5 inches have fallen since Oct. 1. Of the days that have passed, 145 days have been wet. The gutter on the back of my house constantly makes noise. Before I sleep, in the middle of the night, and throughout the days, water drips loudly in the downspout. When I hit those light sleep stages at 3AM and hear that drip, my brain kicks in and I'm done resting for the night.

This morning I'm holding in tension "I want to be the kind of pastor who..." thoughts for a final paper in pastoral ministry class, with the reality that I have the absolute most difficult time even shepherding my own children. I mean really, how can I pastor others when my daughter has wandered from the fold, in part because of my less than stellar pastoring abilities?

The past few weeks have been difficult as we are leaning in and deciding what's next for the girl. The college investment is high for all of us, so what’s next for her has turned into a what’s next for us decision. We have visited the schools where she was accepted. We have turned over every stone that we possibly can to research the pros and cons for each institution. In hindsight, this stone turning should have happened last summer, before applications were sent. But alas, it didn't and we have found ourselves in a stalemate; the girl standing with heels dug firmly in for one school, and us on the other side, standing in a similar position, for another school. So we’ve prayed and fasted and prayed some more through the gray light of the rainy days and the wee hours of the dark nights, until we came to a decision that while not perfect, but would provide opportunities for growth and movement for the girl and measure of peace for us. The options presented to the girl basically place her (and us) in between a rock and a hard place: attend a school she doesn't want to attend because it's the best option at this time, and while there begin applying for different schools and transfer out in 2018; or hit the reset button, defer enrollment for a year, and stay home to work and reapply to other schools. As expected, she has been brokenhearted since hearing the options on Saturday. Layer that with upcoming AP exams, senioritis and me trying to finish this seminary semester, and well, that's a whole lot of not so lovely in the Hansen home.

But I keep coming back to one of Martin Luther's core Theology of the Cross principles, which he called Posterior Dei. In this God’s self-revelation is indirect, concealed, and mysterious. Though God is active on the cross, He is not recognizable. Often we recognize God’s presence only after He has passed by; we only see His back, Posterior Dei. This then leads me to think of Moses and his bold request to see God’s Glory. God agreed to the request and tucked Moses into a cleft. With his face turned to the dark space and his back guarded by God’s hand, Glory passed by. When Moses turned, he only saw God’s back.

So between the heavy, gray rain and the dark what’s next decision process, we stand in the cleft, faces turned into the dark space, waiting for Glory to pass by so we can turn and, like Moses, see Posterior Dei, or as I like to call it, a glimmer of Grace, a simple reminder of God’s constant Presence even in the hard places of life.