On the Verge

All week I have been on the verge of tears. Maybe it’s hormonal? Maybe it’s because it’s finals week for the girl and she is teetering on the edge of D/C and C/B in many classes simply due to poor choices throughout the semester and that just hurts my momma heart? Maybe it’s because my boy is on the alternate list for a team he played well for in the fall, helping them earn a place in the state tourney, but still isn’t on the set roster, and well, that hurts my momma heart, too? Maybe it’s the new job for my beloved and the adjustment it brings, the worst being attending a ball with small talk and a silent auction and a whole bunch of people I don’t know, and that just makes me want to curl up under a stone?

Or maybe it’s because this last week I have had to assess and begin exploring my Enneagram type? Last spring semester, when I began seminary, one of my classes included the Myers-Briggs assessment. It was good finding out I am an ISTJ. It made perfect sense when I read the description and helped put some pieces of my life’s puzzle together. But exploring the Enneagram, or as some may call it, the “Dark Side of the personality,” has been a tougher pill to swallow…and its only week 2 of class! Each time I open Riso-Hudson’s The Wisdom of the Enneagram and read more about my type, which is Type One, I cry. It’s like I’m looking in the mirror, and let me tell you, it is not pretty. 

Some quick words that describe the Type One are the: teacher, activist, crusader, moralist, perfectionist, and organizer. On the surface, these titles seem fine and dandy, and maybe one day they will be, but for today and for me, they are not. Underlying these titles is a deep seeded fear of “being ‘bad,’ defective, evil, corrupt.” The Ones basic desire is to “be good, virtuous, in balance-have integrity,” and their superego says, “You are good or ok if you do what is right.” Again, maybe this sounds fine, but the way a One accomplishes this isn’t always lovely. It usually involves control, judgment, perfectionism, and criticism. For Ones, there is an internal war going on in the mind, because as hard as they are on others, they are even harder on themselves. It is so funny to read all this, because I experience this war everyday in my head. It really is nonstop. I always have, ever since I was young. Sadly, I have no idea when or why such thinking all began. As I said, this is only the beginning of the semester, but I have to believe it will be a tough one filled with much intentionality and prayer (thankfully I'm taking that class, too!!) as I dig in and see what God desires to reveal and then transform in my heart and mind.

Maybe you’d like to know your type? Here’s a link to take the assessment. It is $8, or you can likely find a free version online. But the $8 one is pretty thorough and helps narrow down the types for you. Each person has some of all of the nine types within them, but we all tend to lean more heavily in one-type tendency or another. If you have some that are close, its best to read through them and discern which you seem to be most like. Let me know if you take it and what you think, because it is way more fun to have a running partner when traveling unknown terrainJ

A Hard Race to Run

Let me just start by saying being a teen sucks. Really. The race set before these kids is near impossible. We can remind our girl of God's loving presence and steadfast love until the cows come home, but after breakfast has been eaten and she's ready to step out the door in her funky flannel shirt and Doc Martins, she steps into the horrific halls of high school. She steps into days riddled with anxiety and despair and desperate attempts to be known, to be seen, to be understood. From she's wearing my shoes, to missed assignments and failed exams, and he tweeted this or she posted that, and teachers and coaches who as adults give a ton and expect 110% from each kid in all areas of life, and everyone thinks I'm weird or strange or ugly or..., to how am I suppose to think about college when I can't even think past today or this week? Really, its no wonder most kids just want to escape this existence by cheating or cutting or drinking or drugging...anything to numb the pain and escape the reality of life.

And yes, some of these kids are from Christian homes. In fact many are. They have been to church all their life. They have attended VBS and summer church camps and mission trips, and they hear the Gospel preached at Youth group meetings. So why do they have so little hope? Why is Twitter, Instagram, and every other social media feed filled with kids gasping for air, trying to keep their head above the stormy waters of life? Where is the freedom in Christ they hear about from the mouths of adults, leaders, parents? Where is it? Where is that redeeming freedom from the chains that bind? God knows I have a tough time comprehending that freedom, much less living in it. So how can a teen begin to experience it?

Surely it is by God's grace alone that she, we, or any of us make it through the days. Its a hard race to run, this life God has called us to. Camping in Truth is the only way I know to navigate this life. Where else can we go? All else is empty. There is no one to turn to but the Lord Jesus. So Lord, have mercy on these young souls. Help each one of them know they are loved unconditionally by you. Help them to have eyes to see you in all things, in all people. Help them to hear the quiet whisper of your voice, your truth, about who they are in you. Help them to experience your presence throughout their days, especially when walking down school hallways. Help them to know you have plans for each day of their life, and that those plans are good, because you are good. Help them to persevere in standing on the foundation of you, because you are solid, immovable, unshakable. Help them to lean into the mess and participate in the life you've given them, trusting you every step of the way, because you are trustworthy and faithful. Fill them with light and joy and love and gratitude, so that many will awaken and know of your redeeming grace. Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" (Mark 9:24), so that I can come alongside this Doc Martin boots wearin' girl you've given me and help her run this hard race well.

Christmas Deconstruction

Last night I began deconstructing Christmas, taking ornaments off the tree, wrapping them carefully and trying to place them just perfectly, like puzzle pieces, into the storage containers. They never go back into those containers the same way. Never. 

Isn't that like the birth of Jesus, the Word made flesh? Doesn't that truth totally deconstruct all that we embraced in our logical minds? Doesn't the life Jesus lived totally flip upside down all which the world considers important? Doesn't His death and resurrection totally upend logic and reason? Doesn't His written Word, written by many, collected by many, given to many, fly in the face of worldly wisdom? And what of faith? And Truth? Hope? Grace and mercy? The more God has me deconstruct my long held thoughts and beliefs on such matters, the more solid, though smaller in size, the foundation upon which I stand becomes. The lines of black and white become more gray, shaded with grace, for the dogmatic hard lines just made for a blurred picture of God's love. But the gray, in a crazy paradoxical way, gives a crisp picture of His beauty and grace, His saving, unconditional, love-filled grace. 

So now that Christmas has been deconstructed, and the lights are gone and the space is big, how do I fill that daily, moment by moment, with God's light and love? Without the flamboyance of a tree and sparkling lights and ornaments and an angel announcing His birth, how do I live out and lean into this life with intentionality to make Jesus known? I think it is pretty simple. He's already showing me and growing me in many of these areas: Take time. Look people in the eye. Really listen. Be vulnerable, real, open. Love fiercely. Pray fervently. Walk faithfully. Forgive. Be teachable. Be aware. Give abundantly (of my time, energy, and resources). Dig deep into the Word, seeking Him above all else. Abide in Him. Immanuel, God with us, indeed.