On the Verge

All week I have been on the verge of tears. Maybe it’s hormonal? Maybe it’s because it’s finals week for the girl and she is teetering on the edge of D/C and C/B in many classes simply due to poor choices throughout the semester and that just hurts my momma heart? Maybe it’s because my boy is on the alternate list for a team he played well for in the fall, helping them earn a place in the state tourney, but still isn’t on the set roster, and well, that hurts my momma heart, too? Maybe it’s the new job for my beloved and the adjustment it brings, the worst being attending a ball with small talk and a silent auction and a whole bunch of people I don’t know, and that just makes me want to curl up under a stone?

Or maybe it’s because this last week I have had to assess and begin exploring my Enneagram type? Last spring semester, when I began seminary, one of my classes included the Myers-Briggs assessment. It was good finding out I am an ISTJ. It made perfect sense when I read the description and helped put some pieces of my life’s puzzle together. But exploring the Enneagram, or as some may call it, the “Dark Side of the personality,” has been a tougher pill to swallow…and its only week 2 of class! Each time I open Riso-Hudson’s The Wisdom of the Enneagram and read more about my type, which is Type One, I cry. It’s like I’m looking in the mirror, and let me tell you, it is not pretty. 

Some quick words that describe the Type One are the: teacher, activist, crusader, moralist, perfectionist, and organizer. On the surface, these titles seem fine and dandy, and maybe one day they will be, but for today and for me, they are not. Underlying these titles is a deep seeded fear of “being ‘bad,’ defective, evil, corrupt.” The Ones basic desire is to “be good, virtuous, in balance-have integrity,” and their superego says, “You are good or ok if you do what is right.” Again, maybe this sounds fine, but the way a One accomplishes this isn’t always lovely. It usually involves control, judgment, perfectionism, and criticism. For Ones, there is an internal war going on in the mind, because as hard as they are on others, they are even harder on themselves. It is so funny to read all this, because I experience this war everyday in my head. It really is nonstop. I always have, ever since I was young. Sadly, I have no idea when or why such thinking all began. As I said, this is only the beginning of the semester, but I have to believe it will be a tough one filled with much intentionality and prayer (thankfully I'm taking that class, too!!) as I dig in and see what God desires to reveal and then transform in my heart and mind.

Maybe you’d like to know your type? Here’s a link to take the assessment. It is $8, or you can likely find a free version online. But the $8 one is pretty thorough and helps narrow down the types for you. Each person has some of all of the nine types within them, but we all tend to lean more heavily in one-type tendency or another. If you have some that are close, its best to read through them and discern which you seem to be most like. Let me know if you take it and what you think, because it is way more fun to have a running partner when traveling unknown terrainJ