Slow and Steady...

This will be a thought dump…so hold on. It may or may not make sense, and I’m good with that…

So I’ve determined that I will always be a slow runner. I’m totally cool with that. Some think it’s a failure to walk a portion of a run or to not meet a certain time/distance goal. I use to be one of those people. I have learned to extend large measures of grace to myself lately, because I really don’t know what will happen on any given run, be it a race or just a simple out and back near my home.

For example, today, around mile 2, I picked a dandelion. I do this often, and before I blow all the seeds into the big blue sky, I name all those I love. I name their hurts and cares, victories and losses, hopes and dreams. I then take a big breath and blow, watching the seeds fly high, landing exactly where they are suppose to. In this simple act, I release each of these loved ones to the Lord, trusting Him to care for them in His perfect and wonderful way.

After watching those little gems fly, I was drawn to complete tears, all the way home. Not those pretty tears that trickle down the face, but rather the bend over on the side of the road, unable to catch your breath, sobbing tears. Why? Because this morning, out of the clear blue sky, my girl called to me from her sleepy bed, and when I peeked into her room she said, with a smile on her face and no other requests attached (think …and can we go to Dutch, or Urban, or…fill in the blank), “Mom, I love you.” I replied simply that I loved her too, and then proceeded to go get breakfast ready. 

But on my run, God brought the significance of those words to light. He knew deep in my heart, how I longed to hear those words spoken again.

Now here’s where it gets hard. I don’t write the following to seek pity or cause shame, but rather to praise God for what He alone has done. The past 2+ years have been very challenging in our home. Our girl has been hurting in the worst of ways. Darkness has threatened to consume us on more than one occasion. There have been days when we couldn’t stand or remember how to breathe. Anger, resentment, frustration, and lies filled our home. God seemed very distant. I got to the point I had no words to even pray anymore. Every relationship in our home experienced deep wounds from the battle that was being waged in and around us. The days were thin; to the point where I was sure at any moment things would just snap, and our girl would be dead in the tub, or gone from our home, never to be seen again, or our marriage would completely crumble under the weight of the hurt and pain and years of neglect.

But God…

But God…through His grace, mercy, and love, quietly intervened. He surrounded us with people who faithfully prayed (and continue to pray!) for us when we couldn’t pray, who picked us up when we couldn’t stand, who helped us walk when we couldn’t figure out how to move our feet. He provided a wonderful counselor for our girl, indeed our whole family. He provided marriage mentors who made us dig deep, held us accountable, and helped us get our marriage back on track. He gave us an angel who brought our girl home when she ran, and who now speaks words of truth and encouragement into her heart. He has provided teachers who are patient and understanding, while at the same time, allowing our girl to experience the weight of natural consequences.  Really, over the past months, our family just continues to get larger and larger as God continues to surround us with His big, loving arms in very tangible ways through people who love Him and love others well.

God is shining light into dark areas and bringing healing to the deep wounds. He has brought laughter back into our home. He continues to give us eyes to see Him and ears to hear His softly spoken words. He continues to give us courage to lean in and strength to hold on, if even to the last little thread on the end of the rope. Actually, even when we’ve let go of that thread, He has caught us in His loving hands and gently placed our feet back on solid ground. He is a good God, a loving Father, a faithful Warrior who fights for his children, and His children’s children.

His. Grace. Is. Sufficient. And it has carried us far from where we were, to where we are. A place where words of love can be spoken, lived, received. This is huge!

Each day, each run, is filled with surprises. Indeed, it is very challenging to train for a race while simultaneously allowing God to have His way with my heart, because tears happen and running with tears does not happen! But I would rather run slow, even walk, and not reach my time/distance goals, while hearing Him whisper sweet words of love, than run fast and completely miss all His glory and grace. I know He has built and equipped me for the long haul, to be slow and steady, to obtain the prize, which isn’t a sparkly medal (though you know how I love those!!), but rather to obtain the amazing prize of His Presence. I know, in the depths of my being, He will be there every step of the way on this crazy journey of life, and even when it doesn't feel like it, He's still there. For that, I am thankful.